For we live by faith, not by sight.2 Corinthians 5:7 NIV
I know it’s been a while since my last devotional, but it’s been a rough time lately, y’all!
Yesterday was my late mother’s birthday, which usually unearths a very emotional, introspective mood, but this one was particularly difficult. I’m at a crossroads between staying where I am, or walking with God through the fire to who He’s called me to be. I feel trapped. I feel like a failure. In my mind, it’s I answered His call, but now I’m not good enough. Or, He showed me where to go before, and now it’s radio silent and dark, so now what? I’d heard it would get hard in various sermons all year, and thought nah, I’m good! My leap of faith was hard, but a breeze! I realize now, that was just God throwing me a baby leap. He’d already showed me where to jump, when to jump, and how to jump. This right here? I don’t have a blueprint. I’m fumbling blindly through the dark, waiting for Him to turn the light on. For a second, I was feeling deserted. I felt tricked by God, or maybe that I’d only made up every revelation I’d received, and that my big leap was just a mistake. But it’s not that way at all. There has been too much confirmation and blessings where I am for me to ever think this wasn’t the right move.
The real truth is, there comes a time in your spiritual journey that the Lord isn’t going to hold your hand for every leap. I know now that I really have to develop an unshakeable faith, let go of my selfish ambition, and truly sit still and continue working/living where God has called me so that His will can be done in my life. It’s not easy. It’s uncomfortable. I feel depressed. I’ve been moodier than I’ve ever felt in my life. My prayers now are just begging for Him to show me what I need to do next so I get some relief.
But the message I receive every time, and that I want to share with you, is to have faith and stay present. Every time I cry to Him, the Lord just keeps telling me not to worry about money, about my next job, my next achievement in writing, where my relationship is going, where I’ll live next, who I’ll become. It’s all in His hands, and I have to believe that without a doubt. I know It would be a fatal error if I pushed my will right now, because everything that I want pales in comparison to what He has waiting for me.
I know this is a more self-centered, and maybe not the most sunny devotional but I just want to keep it real with all of you. The road that we embark on once we answer the Lord’s call is not sunshine and daisies all the time. Of course, there are small victories along the way that remind you of the true glory of God and the fact that you are an incredible gift to the world, but I see now that some of this walk is done in the dark. I completely underestimated it. I can’t even say this is an attack from the enemy to knock me off course–this is truly my own insecurities, uncertainties and weak faith bubbling up to the surface to finally be destroyed.
Today, if you’ve been feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place, I just want to remind you that we must walk by faith. When it comes to God’s promises, we have to focus on what we hear from Him, and positively reaffirming our strengths, His unfaltering love, and our worth to ourselves. If I focused only on what I can see, I would never be able to follow Him completely. I’m up to my ears in student loans, I make only about a third of what I owe a year, I want to quit my job and be a full-time writer and I’m nowhere near that level of security, I have no family, I don’t want to live in St. Louis, I have no savings, etc, etc. If I only focus on what I can see, which is the glass ceiling between just getting by and true wealth and happiness, I lose hope. If I keep my focus on the amazing marriage, stability, wealth and legacy that God has promised me, I can keep going.
Please keep going. Where you are right now is not the best God has for you, even if it feels that it’s all you’ll ever have. You have to destroy the flesh even further; break the habit of trying to do things in your own strength. You have to truly submit to His will so that you can succeed and give Him the Glory. I promise you He will carry you out of the darkness, no matter what your plight is, what mistakes you’ve made in the past, how scared you are or how depressed you feel. His will, will be done as long as you keep going. Just keep going. I know you can do it.