Sometimes when God answers your prayers, it’s just an opportunity to show you that what you asked for isn’t what you actually need. I believe He sends certain things my way so that I can use my discernment to prove to myself that I’ve outgrown the cycle, and to learn how to not fall back into my old ways.
I recently broke up with a person who I thought was the answer to my prayers for a real, healthy relationship. Since I met him after praying to God that I would not “fumble a real one” if He sent him my way, the timing seemed perfect. He is kind, fun to be around, financially stable, intelligent, and all of the other things I so desperately wanted in a man. The only thing is, in order to be with him, I would have had to compromise on my devotion to seeking healthy interdependence. Since I didn’t experience any heartbreak or poor treatment, I was pretty confused when things came, amicably, to an end. As always, I thought of any mistakes I might have made and how I could do better in the future. Finally, I realized that it was never about what either party was doing wrong or how we were hurting each other or missing red flags, it was just simply a test of how far would I be willing to go to keep my promise to God and myself. Like, hey, here’s your “perfect” guy but in order to be with him you’ll have to backslide into making a project out of his issues, being his therapist, making excuses for his quirks because you “understand him so well”, and becoming too engrossed in merging lives with him. Obviously, I refused.
I also became more aware of my own codependent habits, and worked to nip those in the bud so that I can be a more balanced and healthy partner when the right person does come along. I started going to therapy, working to be more open about my past and emotions, and more attuned to meeting the needs (within reason) of my partner. I’ve never been in a serious relationship before this one, so learning to honor the love languages of another person with more genuine interest and compromise was a new experience for me. I’m used to just doing things by myself, on my own time, and how I want them to be done. I’m used to men only dating me for sex or to eventually devalue and discard me when they were tired of the rush of a new “love” interest or realized that they didn’t actually like me for me but rather, what I could do for them. Learning to go deeper into the emotional and mental areas of what makes a real relationship has been an invaluable lesson. Starting therapy has been super helpful as well! I’m finally able to process trauma I didn’t even realize was still affecting me, with guidance to help me achieve real self-actualization and peace. I’m working on, and more aware of how my survival instincts and trauma-ignited insecurities don’t have to be a part of my new reality of security, independence and contentment. I’m finally learning how to be Denise. The Denise that God intended, before the world, family, school, and trauma started smothering my real identity, by telling me I was wrong and by forcing me into the role of taking care of others before myself, when it should never have been an issue for me to face as a child anyway. In the past, whenever I’ve become aware of things like this, I tried to rebuke them entirely from my identity, which is counterproductive. You can’t hate parts of yourself and expect to ever feel content or whole. Therapy has helped me see the strength in what I’ve experienced and how I’ve survived so that I can keep using it to my advantage, while actually becoming who I’m supposed to be.
What’s even better is that, since I’m not the same angry, traumatized person, my ex and I are on great terms. The love that I feel for him and vice versa has not wavered or dissipated. The love I feel for him is not the controlling, idealistic nonsense that I equated with love when I was younger and just desperate for someone to fill my voids or validate me.
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.Hebrews 11:1 NIV
When we can learn from God without clinging to our expectations, or what we want versus what we need and what He wants for us, lessons can be learned from a place of self-love instead of bitterness! Good things can be experienced without eventually souring in our hearts, as hard-headed behaviors often lead us to becoming so shredded and hurt by the thing we should have let go of that we must pick ourselves up from rock bottom. Walking in faith, without clinging, also gives God plenty of room to do His thing in your life! His plans are always for our highest good and in our best interest, even if they don’t feel that way in the moment or seem to go against what we want. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather let go of the small-thinking things that I want or think I need, in exchange for the amazing blessings God has in store for me!
Today, think about the things in your life that you cling to or want more than anything. Whether it’s a job, relationship, opportunity, etc. Ask yourself if you’re focusing so deeply on it out of desperation or a personal obsession, or if it’s actually part of God’s plan for you. Not sure how you can tell the difference? If what you’re into is taking everything out of you just to maintain or achieve it, it’s probably a you idea, and not a God idea. If it doesn’t bring you peace, feels forced, or something feels a little off, you should probably back off and double check that you’re headed in the right direction! I know it’s really hard to just let go and let God when you really love someone or you really have a goal in mind, but you owe it to yourself to receive the full amount of His inheritance for you, and to reduce the amount of suffering you have to go through in order to receive it. It’s cliche, but literally. Just let go and let God.